Learning to ride the waves

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Closing out this Year

ant-on-mound-holding-stick

2014 has been one of the toughest years of my life so far.

So many setbacks, so many doubts, feelings of hopelessness. Fear of starting over. Having to start over from scratch. I lost everything, overworked and under paid, completely exhausted. Self sabotage time and time again. Questions of what am I doing with my life.? what the hell is the meaning of life.? So many awful dates with awful experiences, feeling discouraged and wanting to just throw in the towel and quit it all. Anxiety of the choices I am making and wondering where I went wrong? Feeling so alone yet there is so much noise. Back to square one, back to first base with no clear path. Too many opinons, I feel like I’m spinning. I want love yet I won’t let love near me. I want to succeed yet I see no clear path. I want peace and quiet but there is so much noise. I didn’t think at 27 I would be in the place that I am. I thought maybe things would be much different. They are not. And as I look around I feel left out. I had to move back home, I could no longer afford to be on my own, If I wanted to pursue my career. I just couldn’t do it anymore. I thought maybe I would be starting my life with someone and having a family, but I am not. As I watch most of all the people I grew up with have babies and start to build their lives, I can’t help but to want the same thing. I am tired. Things have not really panned out the way I thought they would, but do they ever? I try to stay positive and keep the dark thoughts out, but sometimes they creep right in and lay their eggs in my mind. I have struggled to make it this far and I will not give up but at times I wanna just ran away and take the easy way out. Every day I live it’s a gift and I know that. My dream is to find balance and in 2015 I HOPE to find balance and see a clear path. A good friend tells me that there is light at the end of the tunnel. This is a long tunnel. In all my moments of wanting to give up and just crawl in a corner and stay there, something inside me will not allow it. Something is burning inside of me a glow that will not die out. It wakes me up in the morning wanting to fight like a beast for more, and more. AND in times of  great despair I have to remind myself of that. Drown out the noise and chatter and bring myself back to my center, move forward and don’t look back.  With a couple days left in this year I am thankful for the strong people in my life that lift me up. Here’s to a new year with endless possibilities. Salute!!!

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This entry was posted on December 21, 2014 by in Uncategorized.
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