Learning to ride the waves

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Baring my soul

The stages of Loss:

1. Denial and Isolation  2. Anger 3. Bargaining 4. Depression 5. Acceptance

I think I am in stage #4 depression it sure as shit feels like it to me. I feel like there is a baby elephant laying on top on me. It’s been some time now that has passed, and I thought it would get easier but maybe enough time hasn’t passed yet. I feel like a prisoner trapped in my mind at times, thinking and wondering and wanting answers. I cry and feel dark, and cynical. I hate couples, people with babies and anyone who is happy and in love. I just don’t believe in it right now…. although that isn’t who I really am at my core. That’s the way I feel. I feel slighted, stupid, angry, hurt, ripped off, sad, heart broken, britter, alone, not good enough. There are days when I can’t think about anything else. Sometimes I move forward and then feel myself fall backwards. I do things to push the thoughts and feelings away but I really think I need to face them and dig deeper. It’s not a fun or easy process and it hurts like hell. Fucking hell. Like if someone left you in a room with thousands of bees and they where all just stinging you. It stings real bad. Constance reminders of things and the pain resurfaces. Sometimes I think maybe it will haunt me forever and never go away, and then I cry more. It’s been a roller coaster ride Up and down, down and up all over the place. I keep telling myself there has to be a lesson in all of this. And there is I can see it half way but I’m not there yet.

I will get there, if I have to fucking crawl I will get there, but not yet.

The older I get the more I try to understand my feelings, listen to my body and what it is telling me. And it’s hard to sift through all these feelings to get to the core because it’s painful and ugly. Sometimes I think my dog thinks her human is dead because I just sleep and won’t get up. My dog she is my saving grace. Sometimes people can’t see your pain because you can hide it, and sometimes people don’t understand what’s wrong. It really is something that your in alone and have no other choice but to deal with it.. work through it.. push yourself to keep moving forward. Right now ya that’s where I’m at.

I don’t have any clear plans to make it any better, just keep riding the waves and focusing on my future and myself. I will love again in time.

 

 

 

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4 comments on “Baring my soul

  1. Nancy
    May 21, 2014

    Awww pookie…don’t be so hard on yourself….yes it is painful and yes you are feeling pain…you are one wonderful person and have a lot to offer…perhaps the time is not right. It’s good to express how you are feeling. Life is like a roller coaster …sometimes your up and sometimes your down…but you can always count on your friends to give you hugs! Keep your chin up baby although it’s not always easy…. You have to love yourself first and forever!!,

    • dianadoesfood
      May 22, 2014

      Thanks Mama Nancy ^_^ I do have great friends that give great hugs xoxoxo
      see ya in the morning

  2. Lori Latimer
    May 22, 2014

    Personally, I can’t get behind those stages because with losses I’ve experienced, I find myself diving in and out of all those feelings at any given point, no matter how much time has past.

    I think you’re wise to let yourself feel your feelings. We can’t be strong all the time. Sometimes we have to be fragile and vulnerable, and even hopeless. Then lighting strikes and we love ourselves and our lives all over again.

    You’re pretty freaking awesome, Diana.

  3. dianadoesfood
    May 22, 2014

    Thanks Lori!!! ❤ xoxo

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This entry was posted on May 21, 2014 by in Uncategorized.
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